Some Days the Monkeys Win
By K Hanna Korossy
"I've read the report, gentlemen." Elizabeth Weir looked at the two faces gazing innocently back at her from across her desk. "And there are just a few things I'd like to get straight." She picked up the single sheet of paper, scanned it briefly, and continued with a raised eyebrow. "It was raining when you arrived through the gate onto Garfus."
"Just a little bit," Rodney said. "Something along the lines of how the Wraith are just a little bit evil."
"I think I saw an ark go by," John added. "Lots of animals on it-right?"
"I believe so."
"Gentlemen," Elizabeth said sternly. A beat, and she continued. "The village was flooding."
"Huh. I thought the buildings were supposed to be half under water like that."
"No, no, no, you're thinking Atlantis," Rodney corrected. "Most of the time, buildings under water, bad."
"Oh, right. I always get that mixed up."
Elizabeth ignored them with dignity. "The villagers asked you for help."
"Actually, it was more like offering us their women and wine if we did something." Rodney again.
"Not a good deal, believe me," John said confidentially, then turned back to Rodney, musing, "Although there was that one blonde girl..."
"Ah, yes," Rodney said dreamily. "The one with the--"
"Right."
"I think she would have been worth building at least a dam for, don't you?"
"Gentlemen, and I'm using that term loosely now, could we please get back to the report?"
"Of course."
"Certainly, Elizabeth."
Bright, eager faces. She sighed. "You decided to move the villagers to higher ground."
"Yes, well, we thought about just stopping the rain, but seeing as I haven't figured out how to control the weather-yet-we had to go for Plan B."
"Well, if anyone can figure it out, Rodney, you can," John said graciously.
"Why, thank you, Major."
If the two of them were in collusion, she knew she didn't have a chance, but Elizabeth braved on. "But there were trees on the higher ground, and they were populated by these... monkeys?"
"Not real monkeys, obviously--think 'furballs from hell.' The minute you got close to one, it started throwing rocks at you."
"Oh, I don't know, I think they just liked you."
"Yes, well, love hurts." Rodney surreptitiously rubbed the seat of his pants.
"Yes, it does," John said sagely.
Elizabeth grimaced. "Didn't the villagers know about the monkeys?"
"Sure, but anybody who's powerful enough to come through the Stargate must be able to handle a few monkeys, right?"
"Not that we couldn't, of course, but...did I mention furballs from hell?"
"It wouldn't've been so bad, but they took a real shine to McKay, kept trailing along behind him."
"Hey! We're not mentioning the word 'behind,' right? Sensitive subject."
"Right. Sorry."
"So you finally stunned the...monkeys," Elizabeth said with just a hint of impatience.
"We thought about killing them."
"Fantasized, actually."
"Monkey coats, monkey rugs..."
"Monkey hash."
"I don't know, McKay, they looked kinda tough to me."
Elizabeth swallowed, suddenly a little queasy. "But..."
"Well, it wasn't like they were trying to kill us."
"No, it was more like friendly torture. 'Hi, nice to see you, let me bash your skulls in.'"
"So, yeah," John shrugged, "we figured we'd just put 'em out of our misery for a while."
"Of course, there weren't any cages or anything to put them in."
"And the village was pretty much gone, so unless we wanted to bring a couple of hundred people home for dinner, we were stuck."
Elizabeth tilted her head. "So you..."
"...got rid of them."
"Humanely," Rodney enunciated. "I'm certain they're enjoying their raft ride."
"Sure. With any luck, they'll find a nice little island somewhere full of boy monkeys."
"How do you know they were girl monkeys?"
"The way they were chasing you around?"
Rodney gulped. "You mean, you really think they were--"
"Oh, yeah. Haven't you seen that look before?"
"Actually," Rodney's chin rose, "no, I haven't."
"We've gotta get you out more. How about that nice Asian girl in--"
"Major," Elizabeth said tightly. From the guilty looks, it seemed they'd forgotten she was there. Again. "So, it's because of this...exterminating job that the villagers sent this gift back with you."
"And the relocating. We did help them move most of their village to a safer site."
"Atlantis Moving Service--whaddaya think? Maybe we could have a side-business."
"Oh, please," Rodney snorted. "As if anyone would let you near their valuables--or their daughters--unless they were desperate."
John smiled. "That blonde was something else. I wonder if they'd trade--"
"Don't even think about it," Rodney said flatly.
"Hey, a man can dream, can't he?"
"You are a very twisted person, Major."
"I try."
Elizabeth cleared her throat. "So, you think the people of Garfus would be good trading partners in the future?"
"Sure, long as we go in the dry season. And you don't mind getting more gifts."
"I'm sure they're not always so...generous," Rodney said, rather lamely, she thought.
"Right. Next time they might send something tasteful, like a nice jar of that mud they've got so much of."
"I thought we agreed not to mention that word, either."
"Hey, I think you got most of it out of your hair. Besides, the blue matches your shirt."
"You think so?"
"Sure."
"Gentlemen..." They turned in tandem to look at her, pleasant and attentive, and Elizabeth gave up. She knew a lost cause when she saw one. "I think I have enough, thank you. Dismissed."
A smile from John, while Rodney went instantly back to ignoring her. As they stood, he was already continuing the conversation with the major as if she'd never interrupted. Which, Elizabeth conceded, was all she had done these last ten minutes. Their answers to her questions--such as they were--had been a mere concession on their part, and she knew it.
"So, you think that Asian girl really..."
"Oh, definitely. I'd just wait until that stuff washes out of your hair before you made a move. I kinda doubt she goes for the Smurf look."
"Well, when she hears how I got this way--"
"--she'll never look at you again. Trust me."
"Fine." They were down the hall now and growing faint, but a beat later Elizabeth still heard a more doubtful, "Really?"
They made teenagers look immature sometimes, but they also dealt with some of the most stressful situations she'd ever encountered. If it took a little silliness to get them through it sane and whole, well, she wouldn't argue. Not more than was required for the sake of appearances, anyway.
Elizabeth's smile became pained as she turned to the object propped against the far wall, the one that was her next problem to solve, the one that had prompted this meeting in the first place. Just when she'd nearly forgotten...
Now she just had to figure out what to do with a giant stuffed, smelly, waterlogged monkey.
