Diagnostic
By K Hanna Korossy
Carson Beckett took a long, deep breath as he stepped out of the main infirmary, stripping off gloves as he went. And stopped short at the sight of Rodney McKay sitting hunched on a table, staring at his hands lying loosely in his lap. Beckett had assumed without looking that the scientist was in the other room, hovering like the rest of the team, and hadn't even looked. "Rodney, what...?"
But something was wrong. He knew that already from the body language, if not the unusual stillness of the man. Would have known it for certain from the faltering voice. "I don't...I don't know if I can do this anymore, Carson."
"What?" he asked gently, because even though McKay usually drove him bats, at the moment he was clearly in pain.
There was a pause. Then, "When they asked me to join the expedition, it was all about the science, fixing and building and studying. No one said anything about using my hands to try to keep someone's blood from spilling out of their body."
Carson glanced automatically at the hands in question and winced at the dried, flaking red. He knew he should probably ask to make sure Rodney himself wasn't injured--something was certainly wrong with him-but knew just as surely that wasn't his blood on his hands.
"And you know what the worst part of it is?" Rodney glanced up but didn't meet his eyes. "As I was sitting there trying to keep him alive, I wished it was anybody but him. I mean, what does that say about me, huh?"
"Rodney--"
"When Teal'c got trapped in the DHD buffer at the SGC, I was ready to let him die. It was an obvious choice--greater gain and all that. But they weren't willing to let him die."
"Because every life is important," Carson said quietly.
"Because he was their friend," Rodney corrected. "I didn't get that then. I'd never..." He trailed off.
Ah. Carson took a step toward him. "Why don't we get you cleaned up, then you can go sit with him. He's already asked once for you."
"What?" The bowed head rose sharply. "Why didn't you say something?" Rodney scrambled to his feet...and jerked to a halt as he caught sight of his hands again. The brief spark faded, and half-turned from Beckett he asked in a small voice, "What am I going to do, Carson?"
"You keep telling yourself you saved Major Sheppard's life today."
"But--"
"Would you want to go back to Earth? If you could? Pretend this all never happened?"
It took a handful of seconds, but Rodney finally said a quiet, "No."
"Well, then. Nobody's ready for the unexpected, Rodney--that's why it's called the unexpected. You'll just do what you have to, like today. But don't borrow trouble. One day at a time is all we're granted the strength for, and today, you're both safe. Concentrate on that." Safe, not all right, not yet, but that would come, too.
McKay's eyes finally slid up to meet his, briefly, then with an uneasy nod they slid down again and he started to turn back to the door.
"Rodney?" The scientist stopped. "To answer your question, what it says about you is that you're his friend. Today that might not be such a wonderful thing, but it does have its rewards, too."
He winced again as if Carson had tossed something at him, and maybe in a way he had because he was fair sure Rodney was new to the whole concept. But that, at least, would get better.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up before you go see the Major," Carson said with new chipperness, and guided Rodney by one elbow to the lavatory. A little visit, then maybe a little nap on the bed next to Sheppard's because Carson still didn't like Rodney's pallor. The major would like having him where he could keep an eye on him, too. The way he'd called for McKay, he'd known something was wrong even before Carson did.
Rodney probably hadn't even realized yet friendship cut both ways. Carson smiled to himself, looking forward to that epiphany. Like everything else on that expedition, it would be interesting to see how it turned out.
